Nazi Name Update

I've been waiting to learn the fate of the unfortunately named Campbell children of New Jersey. Nothing yet. However, today at Yahoo News! (I go to Yahoo so you don't have to) there appeared this headline:

Boys with unpopular names more likely to break law.

It seems the famous and respected journal "Social Science Quarterly" has discovered that boys named Michael or David will grow into fine young men, while others, not so fortunately named, will not. I'm guessing they mean boys with names like Jorge or Tyrone, or in my old neighborhood, Flea or Gumby. The journal wishes to clarify that while the names are likely not the cause of crime, researchers argue that "they are connected to factors that increase the tendency to commit crime". Factors that include being born to a man who named you Sue. Studies also indicate that boys with names like "Dick" will likely end up spending much of their life in locker rooms.

So anyway, I figure the New Jersey Police removed the Campbell children before they could grow up and start the Fourth Reich, 'cause you just know, with a name like Adolph, he was gonna be trouble someday. Maybe they'll rename him "Dick".

Another story in the news that I don't quite know how to feel about; a Florida firefighter was arrested Monday for taking a severed foot from the scene of an accident Sept 19, 2008. She said she took the foot to use as a training aid for her Cadaver Dog. Also, those rawhide bones are so expensive.

Last, but not least, BETRAYED BY THE "PEANUT CORPORATION OF AMERICA!"
It seems this fine example of successful deregulation and downsizing of government allowing the free market to regulate itself because everybody knows business loves us and only wants the best for us and doesn't care more about money, so come on, you can trust us, went ahead and sold off salmonella infected products AFTER tests showed POSITIVE for salmonella, then went and SHOPPED for a lab that would FINALLY OK their poisonous product. Holy Upton Sinclair, Batman, what the hell were they thinking? That no one would notice a few thousand vomiting peanut eaters? Is this the plan to decrease the surplus population? Thank god they didn't taint the beer!

More Goats In The News!


Nigerian Police Detain Goat Over Armed Robbery.
"The Vanguard", one of Nigeria's biggest daily news papers, reported that police are holding a goat that was apprehended when two suspects attempted to steal a Mazda, and one of them transformed into a goat when cornered by vigilantes.

This is what happens without a competent, progressive, free public school system.

On the other hoof, that goat in Canada did figure out how to hang himself in his cell...

Nebraska Woman Claims She Found Needle in Pork Roast.
I'm betting it was some damn junkie who transformed into a pig to elude police.

British Divers Reclaim Underwater Ironing Record.
I...I..., oh, WHAT? Maybe that last one was a joke. It was a banner and I didn't click on it. I got freaked out today when "Windows Explorer" opened 70 extra windows all by itself. All my pass words are probably in the hands of terrorists right now. I hope they don't use the $283. 72 in my checking account to buy an ICBM, 'cause I REALLY need that money for beer, and maybe a good used computer. Please don't hurt me.

This just in...

Rare Goat Accidentally Hangs Itself in Canada Zoo. The goat was supposedly playing with a ball at the end of a rope, when it fell off a log, got tangled, and was hung. Sure. I'm not convinced it wasn't suicide. Have you ever gone to a zoo and really LOOKED into the eyes of those on display there? Some of them look pretty depressed. Especially the Chimpanzees.

Condoleezza Rice Signs With William Morris Agency. I guess Barnum & Bailey wasn't accepting new clients.

Microsoft cuts 5,000 jobs. Christ, now they'll NEVER figure out how to stop Explorer from crashing!

Major Fault Discovered in Arkansas. OK.

News of the Obvious

Research has shown that babies exposed to high levels of testosterone in the womb have a greater risk of developing autistic characteristics as children; poor social skills, imagination and empathy , but good attention to and memory for detail. They will grow up, remember your birthday, and be totally puzzled why you're hurt when they don't even give you a card. In other words, finally, a proven link between testosterone and being a dick!

News flash! Bad economy aids recruiting! Armed forces are meeting or exceeding quotas! Trends that make military careers more appealing will continue, by which we mean a major economic depression.

Little Debbie snack "foods" recalled! No, not because of the fact it's unfit for human consumption, but because "Peanut Mania" sweeps the nation!

Finally, another icon of my childhood lost: Bob May, actor in the "Robot" suit on "Lost in Space", dead at 69. What really hurt was finding out Dick Tufeld was the voice. "Robot" was TWO guys. Dick had such a sexy voice. But could Bob ever wave those retractable claw arms to warn of impending danger! This makes me feel so schizophrenic. Torn between two "Robots". Feeling like a fool. Loving both of you is...oh god, kind of sad, I guess. Could have been worse. I could have had the hots for Dr. Smith. Man, I am one week from calling into late night talk shows.

Life so empty...

Wow, this is the first time I've posted twice in one day, but I read this headline at Yahoo news, and I just couldn't wait. Possibly the greatest headline ever, next to our own News Review's Sports section's "Roseburg Squeezes Out Win" and "Eager Beavers Await Trojans":

"PEANUT BUTTER PROBE EXPANDS; TAKES ON NEW URGENCY."

No, it's not about Mr. Peanut's sex life! It's about salmonella! A Georgia (USA, not Russian neighbour) peanut packaging facility was closed due to testing positive for salmonella, although not necessarily the same "strain" that is sickening people. Hey, just how many strains of salmonella do we have gallivanting around right now? Anyway, HUNDREDS of people sickened, SIX killed! Old people are dying! Killed by peanuts! PEANUTS!!

Apparently there was salmonella present in "bulk" peanut butter shipped to nursing homes and "institutional" cafeterias. By institutional do we mean schools or prisons? Oh, what's the difference. Anyway, the best part is one third of the sickened did not recall eating peanut butter. Oh my god, it's the toffee peanuts! The peanut paste? The Keebler Crackers? Or the spinach, or the onions, or the lettuce. Maybe it's swine flu. Maybe it's them ding dang Communists at last!

Symptoms include diarrhea, fever and abdominal cramps. But then some of us experience that from watching FOX "news". In any event, please be very discriminating about which nuts you put in your mouth.

Now, for the Out-Of-Context News

What a great day to be a woman!

An Australian Navy submarine skipper is under fire for an interview in which he apparently agreed that female sailors should be required to wear bikinis to "reverse the recruitment crisis". The Australian navy had an extended Christmas break due to lack of personnel. They actually "CLOSED" the NAVY for two months. If you're out of work, you should maybe look into this. They might be hiring.

Speaking of great places to work, Peru's top court ruled that workers cannot be fired for being drunk on the job. And they say Amerika's a great country!

Meanwhile in Chile, some douche bag fashion designer is parading his models dressed in SEXY VIRGIN MARY wear, with prominently displayed hooters, and halos even. OK, now if there WAS a god, might he not be slightly inclined to respond to this in some small way. Rain down some fire or something. Gee whiz, they be dissin' on yo woman here. No respect. No respect.

At the Budapest Zoo, a 32 year old female gorilla underwent gynecological surgery. I don't even want to know why, because it reminded me of the joke that ended with: "You give 'em a fur coat and they think they own the place". Thanks Hungary. Thanks a lot. First the Gabor sisters, now Gorilla Gynecology.

And the last headline for today, "Methane raises hope that Mars is habitable". There's lots of people in my neighborhood that will move there right now just on the mention of "meth". That's probably what they're hoping for. Someplace to ship the undesirables. Just like in that Outer Limits episode about the Zantis! That was so great! Killer Cooties that ate Bruce Durn. Damn, now I miss my childhood again.

Another day, another trauma

The news wasn't as funny today as it was yesterday. Except that the Attorney General nominee declares water boarding to be torture! I hope this means there might be a war crimes commission! Now THAT would be entertaining.

A Texas man got a brick of marijuana in the mail and called the authorities. I'm betting he was REALLY OLD.

Oh, here we go, "Kids with Nazi names taken from home". These people in New Jersey ordered a birthday cake with "Happy Birthday Adolph Hitler Campbell" on it. Seems they gave their three kids terrible names on the rationale that "no one else in the world" would have these names. And with good reason. OK, so the dad looks like "Joe Dirt" and the mom resembles Heinrich Himmler. Does that give the State of New Jersey the right to take their kids away? What if I named my kid "Britney Spears Mengele"? Or "Rush Limbaugh Douche Bag"? Would that make me an unfit parent? What if the State removed ALL the children from the homes of ALL the people who should not have been allowed to breed? Where the hell are we going to put all these children! Texas? The mind reels at the thought. And they actually call this the "Land of the Free".

Late Breaking News

Wow, what a news day! Feces-throwing rehesus monkey escapes from "unlicenced source" ("Outbreak" anyone?) in Florida and eludes captors. Dare I hope he has the "rage" and the Zom-pocalypse will soon be upon us?

Jimmy Carter's bicycle stolen in Atlanta. Could the monkey have gotten that far? Zombie monkey on a bike. I could use that for my next children's book, "The Little Plague Monkey That Could".

Police find three bags containing 168 human skulls carved like bowls, on roadside in Kathmandu. Lost consignment of dinnerware destined for the Bush ranch in Crawford?

Ricardo Montalban, dead at 88. KHHHHAAAANNNN!! Now I'm getting depressed.

No. 6 is dead, too! Holy Crap.

I hope William Shatner is feeling healthy. If he croaks on us, well, I just don't think I could bear it.

A New Beginning

Today is the first day of the rest of my life! Deserted by my fam-ily, rejected by human-ity, bustin' mad rhymes in dark, desperate times. Hopeless and despairin', but ain't nobody carin', I might as well go buy me a box of cheap wine.

Actually, my beverage of choice tonight is "Olde English '800'", which I understand has been immortalized in song by some guy whose name I forget, due in no small part to the malt liquor, I bet. I personally prefer "Big Bear Malt Liquor", but sadly, that fine product is no longer to be found in these parts. In any event, whatever is cheap and gets the job done is OK by me.

But I digress. In the midst of my "Post Mid-Life Crisis" I have flayed about pathetically searching for purpose, something to spend the brief remainder of my time on, a project for a new retarded century as it were. Suddenly, I remember a long ago ambition! The perfect past time for life's broken, hopeless casualties. Writing children's books!

I remember an idea I had for a book a few years ago when I worked in the old Book Warehouse. This might be the last chance I have to express my talent before the Alzheimer's sets in for keeps. And so I give you...

"THE LITTLEST MAGGOT"

Along a country highway, on the curvy narrow road, was a neat, tidy, warm little pile of possum poop. And in this poop was a lovely little family of maggots. All the Maggot brothers and sisters wiggled and writhed in their happy little pile of poop. They were all very glad to be where they were. They felt much luckier than their cousins down the road, who lived in a dead skunk.

"We are never bothered by buzzards", they sang! "Poop is the place to be! Oh poopy, I'm as happy as happy can be!"

But happiness, like everything else, does not last forever. Over time the happy little maggots began to change. They grew tired of their little brown home, and yearned to see the world, and day by day each one woke up to find himself different!

"Oh my", said the eldest brother maggot, "Look at me! I have wings! I have always wanted to see what poop there may be on the other side of the road! " And off he flew, leaving his brothers and sisters far behind.

The next day, the eldest sister awoke to find herself with a beautiful set of shiny, glossy wings! As she rose to the sky with a wink of her eye she said this to those down below: "Good- by family, now it's all about me!", and she flew off to look for a sty.

One by one, all the maggots became beautiful flies and buzzed off to find their path in life, until there was only one teeny tiny little maggot left. But he was still happy, wiggling in his little home of poop all by himself, because he knew one day, it would be his turn to wake up with wings and fly off to glory.

In the meantime, he noticed that a boy and girl came by his home every day. He could hear their laughter as they stood on the side of the road and waited. He wondered what they were waiting for, and then he saw it. A big yellow School bus!

As the days went by, he noticed the bus came and went, and the happy children came and went with it, and he wondered what wonders the bus might hold. The children were so smart and happy. Maybe the bus they got on and off of made them so? And he also noticed they did not smell of poop. Maybe, just maybe, poop was not the whole world. Maybe there was something better. Maybe, when his time to fly came, he would find out.

And then, one bright sunny morning, he woke up to find his time had finally come! He had wings! And then, there were the children! And then, the bus was coming! His time was here! This was his chance! The bus stoped, the children got on, the little fly rushed to the bus...the doors began to close! SPLAT! He was THAT CLOSE!

And the moral to the story is...ah...help me out here, will ya?

Beauty sleep, my ass

So I have the day off today, without pay, because there is no work to do at my place of employment on account of the global economy tanking, and I wake up at my usual time only to think, "why bother", pull the covers over my head and go back to sleep, (after getting up to let the dogs out and go to the bathroom myself, naturally). Anyway, at some point during this ill advised indulgence, I dream...

It's post-apocalyptic Amerika and things seem to be a little disorganized. We survivors find ourselves in evacuation camps, but it's not so bad. We have all our skin and don't seem to be zombies or anything. We are in a brick compound that has already withstood some kind of attack, and doesn't look motivated to sustain another. One evening we look into the sky and see a bright star-like object approach and create a funnel-like vortex through which drops something ominous looking. We all run for cover, some into the brick buildings only to be doomed. Some run for shelter behind mountainous piles of dirt and debris and will become the "lucky survivors". An A-bomb like explosion ensues, flattening the buildings. Then the Giant Robots come! John Travolta or somebody shows up and things get ugly.

People are thrown into pits of the "Army of Darkness" variety by the Overlords, for no particular reason. "I love this part" says the Evil Guy as he chucks me in. I'm surprised to see no Soul-Sucking Monsters in the pit, just regular people who seem to have dug themselves hollows into the sides of the walls and are resting comfortably there, kind of like in a Japanese tube hotel, but less spacious. I decide to try climbing out and it's pretty easy, since the walls are made of very firm mud.

I crawl out only to be taken to another detention locale, this time a dormitory like area where people are butchered for no particular reason other than the entertainment value. There are a lot of informers trying to sell out others to save themselves and the floors are a mess. I decide to leave, and again, escape is pretty simple. Just walk out.

Finally, I'm taken to this place like a dungeon out of a "Link" game where you have to know where to stand, because periodically, things shoot up out of the floor and impale you. After a while of this the walls close in to en cage most of us. You REALLY have to KNOW where to stand in this place. The ones in cages are transported to a landfill and buried alive. For the rest of us, the ceiling begins to descend. Just when we're down on our bellies, the Overlords push in what look like plastic trash cans with big nipples on the bottom. I think about turning the can over to brace up a space between us and the ceiling, but come on, it's plastic! Then I notice the spikes on the ceiling have indentions that will fit the nipple on the cans! I turn over the can, line it up, the nipple goes into the dent, and the ceiling stops! We're saved! Or are we?

Later in the mess hall I recogonize a little black girl (I think she was in that Lost World movie) from one of our earlier confinements. She is standing painfully on her horribly disfigured leg which is oozing and gross and bent like macaroni. Next to her is her little pet, which might have been a cross between Gizmo and a hamster, and was also on crutches and wounded terribly. They look at me reproachfully, and I get the feeling I did them no favors saving our lives. I am filled with self loathing and disgust for all humanity.

So Doctor, what do you think it means?

Bah, Humbug, and then some!

Snow and sadness. Anixety and abandonment. Depression and dispare. Just another typical Xmas at the ole' homestead. One child came home at great personal inconvience, one child vaporized into the abyss. If I close my eyes I'm invisible. If a tree falls in the forest and I don't hear it, it never existed. The last twenty-five years might never have even happened. Maybe they didn't. Maybe life IS a Twlight Zone episode. What the hell do I know?

My son made it home for Christmas, a hollow-day that has no meaning in and of itself to me personally save that it nearly marks the point of orbit when the axis begins tilting back at the sun and a small shriveled hope for sunny summer warmth and lazy languid evenings claws at my withered soul, begging it to hang on for just a few months more. Also, I like the colored lights.

Anyway, the poor boy sat in a bus terminal for almost eleven hours to catch a connecting bus to get home in a snow storm, only to come home and get depressed and long to leave. The daughter went to a stranger's home, leaving no contact information, and Portland had it's worst storm in 14 years, leaving her family to wonder if she was alive or dead.

In conclusion, if I had it all to do over again, I would shoot myself. No, who am I kidding. I'm too much of a coward to take the coward's way out. But I should have stuck with dogs, that much is for sure. The thing is, life is so boring if you don't have someone to share with. Someone to laugh with. I never wanted to be a "mother". Yikes, not like MY mother, anyway. I wanted to be and have a friend. What is it that chick in "Mixed Nuts" said? "I wish there was someone I cared for who cared for me." Good thing I have dogs.