Life so empty...

Wow, this is the first time I've posted twice in one day, but I read this headline at Yahoo news, and I just couldn't wait. Possibly the greatest headline ever, next to our own News Review's Sports section's "Roseburg Squeezes Out Win" and "Eager Beavers Await Trojans":

"PEANUT BUTTER PROBE EXPANDS; TAKES ON NEW URGENCY."

No, it's not about Mr. Peanut's sex life! It's about salmonella! A Georgia (USA, not Russian neighbour) peanut packaging facility was closed due to testing positive for salmonella, although not necessarily the same "strain" that is sickening people. Hey, just how many strains of salmonella do we have gallivanting around right now? Anyway, HUNDREDS of people sickened, SIX killed! Old people are dying! Killed by peanuts! PEANUTS!!

Apparently there was salmonella present in "bulk" peanut butter shipped to nursing homes and "institutional" cafeterias. By institutional do we mean schools or prisons? Oh, what's the difference. Anyway, the best part is one third of the sickened did not recall eating peanut butter. Oh my god, it's the toffee peanuts! The peanut paste? The Keebler Crackers? Or the spinach, or the onions, or the lettuce. Maybe it's swine flu. Maybe it's them ding dang Communists at last!

Symptoms include diarrhea, fever and abdominal cramps. But then some of us experience that from watching FOX "news". In any event, please be very discriminating about which nuts you put in your mouth.