The Last Banana

Uncaring Chimp, your table is ready! I'm R.E.Tard, and I'll be your waiter tonight. Our daily special is the "Pointless Rambling Platter", served with a huge Waste of Time, and a generous dollop of Stupidity, all completely meatless for those who prefer to vegetate. Bon appetite!

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Location: Roseburg, Oregon, United States

I've outlived John Lennon over twenty years now, and I'm still a fucking waste of life. Oh well. Maybe the radiation from Fukushima will make me into an X Man!

Friday, January 09, 2009

Beauty sleep, my ass

So I have the day off today, without pay, because there is no work to do at my place of employment on account of the global economy tanking, and I wake up at my usual time only to think, "why bother", pull the covers over my head and go back to sleep, (after getting up to let the dogs out and go to the bathroom myself, naturally). Anyway, at some point during this ill advised indulgence, I dream...

It's post-apocalyptic Amerika and things seem to be a little disorganized. We survivors find ourselves in evacuation camps, but it's not so bad. We have all our skin and don't seem to be zombies or anything. We are in a brick compound that has already withstood some kind of attack, and doesn't look motivated to sustain another. One evening we look into the sky and see a bright star-like object approach and create a funnel-like vortex through which drops something ominous looking. We all run for cover, some into the brick buildings only to be doomed. Some run for shelter behind mountainous piles of dirt and debris and will become the "lucky survivors". An A-bomb like explosion ensues, flattening the buildings. Then the Giant Robots come! John Travolta or somebody shows up and things get ugly.

People are thrown into pits of the "Army of Darkness" variety by the Overlords, for no particular reason. "I love this part" says the Evil Guy as he chucks me in. I'm surprised to see no Soul-Sucking Monsters in the pit, just regular people who seem to have dug themselves hollows into the sides of the walls and are resting comfortably there, kind of like in a Japanese tube hotel, but less spacious. I decide to try climbing out and it's pretty easy, since the walls are made of very firm mud.

I crawl out only to be taken to another detention locale, this time a dormitory like area where people are butchered for no particular reason other than the entertainment value. There are a lot of informers trying to sell out others to save themselves and the floors are a mess. I decide to leave, and again, escape is pretty simple. Just walk out.

Finally, I'm taken to this place like a dungeon out of a "Link" game where you have to know where to stand, because periodically, things shoot up out of the floor and impale you. After a while of this the walls close in to en cage most of us. You REALLY have to KNOW where to stand in this place. The ones in cages are transported to a landfill and buried alive. For the rest of us, the ceiling begins to descend. Just when we're down on our bellies, the Overlords push in what look like plastic trash cans with big nipples on the bottom. I think about turning the can over to brace up a space between us and the ceiling, but come on, it's plastic! Then I notice the spikes on the ceiling have indentions that will fit the nipple on the cans! I turn over the can, line it up, the nipple goes into the dent, and the ceiling stops! We're saved! Or are we?

Later in the mess hall I recogonize a little black girl (I think she was in that Lost World movie) from one of our earlier confinements. She is standing painfully on her horribly disfigured leg which is oozing and gross and bent like macaroni. Next to her is her little pet, which might have been a cross between Gizmo and a hamster, and was also on crutches and wounded terribly. They look at me reproachfully, and I get the feeling I did them no favors saving our lives. I am filled with self loathing and disgust for all humanity.

So Doctor, what do you think it means?

1 Comments:

Blogger rena m said...

You must have felt this comment coming, that's what! But no, I'm no bad news. You threw a shoe at me once and felt better from it, I hope to be of service again.

January 9, 2009 at 6:27 PM  

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