Time Flies...

...when you're living in unspeakable agony! Yes, it has been over a week since my last post. Yes, promises were made. Then broken. But so am I. Oh, nobody wants to hear of my suffering? Tough Shit! I'll keep it short. Suffice to say, some bizarre malady is working it's way through my ill-kept body, culminating in a trail of hard, itchy lumps, ON MY HEAD, which shrink after a few days, leaving painful scabby patches to stand mute witness to my Job-like afflictions. MY GOD, THE PAIN!!! First from my left hip, down to the knee, then suddenly shooting up to below the right ear, then up the back of the head, onto the forehead...hard itchy lumps! Now around the right eye! ARRGH, MY EYE! As my witty co-worker quipped, I look like the victim of a bad do-it-yourself botox job. Just for that, I'm going to be eating a LOT more Super Garlic Softgels! SEE HOW FUNNY MY BREATH IS, SMART ASS, HAHAHAHAH!

Anyway, enough about me. Tonight's topic is "Fairies", per special request by "Anonymous".
This is pretty exciting for me, as never before in the long, unknown history of this blog has anyone requested anything in the way of anything, so I'm gonna give it all I got, even though everything I've got left is covered in salve and soaked in gin.

OK, the faerie folk. Oh man. Tell the truth, I've never given any thought whatsoever to 'em. Except for Tinker Bell. Jesus, what a bitch. But I guess one can understand where she's coming from, being in love with a guy hundreds of times her size. Even wrapped in electrical tape, she would certainly explode. Gotta be frustrating. Oh yeah, and when I was ten years old, one night I was convinced there was a witch crouched between the wall and our open bedroom door, and even though I had to go to the bathroom REAL BAD, I stayed in bed ALL NIGHT, until I passed out from uric acid poisoning or something. In the morning, I discovered it was my sister's bathrobe. To this day, I have an abiding fear of women's sleepwear, and a recurring bladder infection.

Wow, now that we're on the subject, I just remembered this abandoned "haunted" house behind the apartment building I lived in, that all the other kids went over and vandalized on a regular basis. They made fun of me, 'cause I wouldn't go with them, no doubt because I knew my mother would beat the living shit out of me if I did and she found out about it. But somehow, the peer pressure got transformed into the feeling that I had a ghost following me. Yeah, a ghost. All the time. Even in the bathroom. It couldn't have helped that my mother told me her dead brother was always watching over me from heaven. Even in the bathroom? THEY SEE EVERYTHING IN HEAVEN! Oh, the horrible things we tell children.

Well, it gnawed away at me 'till I could stand it no more. I had to get that ghost off my back, so one day after school the time finally came to shit or get off the pot. I made my way alone to the forbidden "haunted house" and forced myself to go in though the broken door. And I remember looking around and feeling disappointed. All it was, was a big mess. Broken, wasted crap. And not one friggin' ghost that wasn't of my own manufacture.

That's when the newspaper became scarier than the movies.