The World Will Little Note Nor Long Remember...

any goddamn thing at all, apparently! But this time, they've gone too far.

The news has reached us here at "Menopause Manor" that there is afoot a treasonous plot to remove the portrait of Ulysses Simpson Grant from the $50 bill and replace him with...oh it's too horrible...Ronald Reagan!

Patrick T. McHenry (Ass kisser-NC) is of the opinion that History is too boring, and "every generation needs its own heroes", and therefore proposes to place Reagan on the Fifty so he can trickle down nickles and dimes upon the rest of us.

This outrage is too vulgar to even contemplate sober, so excuse me while I imbibe copiously.

There, that's better. Where was I? Ah yes, the rape of American History.

OK, so the battle for the Fifty is on. Let's compare qualifications and judge who is the more worthy.

Grant: Commanding General of the Army of the Potomac.
Reagan: Commanded by General Electric to give speeches on Free-Market Fundamentalism.

Grant: West Point.
Reagan: Home-study Army Extension Course.

Grant: Fought in two wars.
Reagan: Nearsightedness restricted service to Motion Picture Unit.

Grant: Twice brevetted for bravery in combat.
Reagan: Made 400 training films!

Grant: Accepted Lee's surrender at Appomattox.
Reagan: Provided FBI with names of communist sympathizers within the movie industry.

Grant: Saved the Union.
Reagan: Busted the Air Traffic Controller's Union.

Grant: Bitterly opposed the Mexican War, regarded it as unjust and designed to capture land open to slavery.
Reagan: Invaded Granada to keep the world safe for the Contras.

Grant: Died slowly of throat cancer while destitute.
Reagan: Warned that Medicare would mean the end of freedom in America.

Grant: Not religious.
Reagan: Convinced God choose him to rule.

Grant: Administration seen as emblematic of Republican corruption.
Reagan: 1986 World Court found USA guilty of war crimes against Nicaragua.

Grant: Married once, devoted to wife and children.
Reagan: Married twice, had two daughters and adopted a son with first actress wife who divorced him due to his over-involvement with screen actor's guild, son becomes ballerina.

Clearly, Mr. Grant has earned his place on our devalued currency. If they MUST further canonize Ronald Reagan, then let them slap his 8 X 10 on something more fitting, like a trillion dollar bill, as an homage to his legacy of monumental deficits.