Life Is Pain!

So sayeth the Buddha. No, wait. Geena Davis said that in "The Long Kiss Goodnight". God, what a great movie that was. And it has the best movie tag line of all time: "Die screaming, motherfucker!" My all time favorite Christmas movie, next to "Batman Returns". Wait, what was I on about? Oh yeah, "life is suffering", that was it.

Yes, suffering. I've been in a lot of pain lately. Don't know if it's sciatica, gout, or evil spirits, but it starts in the left hip, shoots down to the knee, and makes me think seriously about leaping in front of a log truck. But no. Never been one to take the coward's way out. Besides, I couldn't move that fast right now. So, what do you do when you have no medical insurance, hate doctors and can't take any pill that comes with the warning "do not take if you consume three or more alcoholic beverages daily"?

Well, they say laughter is the best medicine, but I'm in some serious pain here, and besides, if that's really true, how come I never heard of anyone laughing off a case of the clap? I need some REAL HELP, even if it's only a placebo! Where to turn!?!

GIN SOAKED RAISINS!

Oh, hell yeah!

I was reluctant to try them at first, having never tasted gin, and I've NEVER liked raisins. They always remind me of a joke Alan Alda made on M*A*S*H; "I had a raisin on my cookie, but it flew away". Yech. Such ugly, withered things! Leathery and dead, looking more like something sneezed out of one's nostril after a long hard day in the mines than a tasty fruit snack. But what the hell...desperate times...oh, the pain, the pain.

So, I go the the local "Company Store" (in Oregon, the hard stuff is only sold in select places, not in Grocery stores like in California. Seriously, can you believe that shit?) and gets me some cheap gin to pour over the golden raisins from the bulk section of Sherm's. Put 'em in a jar, pour in the fun and wait for the magic! You're supposed to wait A WHOLE WEEK for the raisins to soak up the gin in an open container, I guess so they're non-alcoholic or some crap like that, but screw that! Give 'em a day and those sad little wrinkled things become plump, delicious blobs of joy! Oh man, who knew those nasty little boogers could be so great? The "people's pharmacy" website says to eat nine raisins a day, but I says if nine is good, ninety is better! Also, the left- over gin is pretty good too.

Next time...we examine faeries. No seriously. I'm gonna google 'em right now.