Darwin Called. He Wants His Theory Back.

Ha ha, just kidding. However I happen to have my own theory to explain these troubling times we find ourselves condemned to live in.

I have determined, from pure observation, that life either finds equilibrium with its environment, or it continues to evolve until it gets to the point that it's become too damn smart for its own good, then starts to get progressively stupider, until it becomes so dumb it will forget to breathe, and by "it", I mean people. I believe humanity hit the apex in 1962, and has slid downhill rapidly ever since.

We children of the 50's & 60's held fast to the dream that the 21st Century would be a bright beacon of hope, where all human foibles had been overcome, peace would rule the planets, and everyone would have a robot maid and a flying car. Here we are. And what do we have?

Leader Slaughters Goat To Ward Off Evil.
Reading this headline, you might think the story will involve a small tribe in South America, or a remote African Nation, or maybe a Senator from Massachusetts. No. The leader in question is Asif Ali Zardani, the President of Pakistan.

President Zardani has a black goat slaughtered at his home almost every day to protect him from "black magic". To be fair, the goat isn't just wasted. The meat is given to the poor. And you can't blame the guy for being nervous, his wife was assassinated. But come on. Sacrificing goats. And don't forget...Pakistan has nukes.

I just hope the White House doesn't have a secret stock pile of ruminants hidden in Dick Cheney's old bunker.

At least the Chinese are trying to make progress. I always thought this was a crude stereo type, but it seems that a shortage of McDonald's franchises has driven some disadvantaged people to consume household pets to the point that "people caught eating dog or cat meat could be jailed 15 days & fined 5,000 yuan if a proposed law is passed in China".

Apparently in some parts of the world, meat is meat, and dog meat is rich and delicious, especially if you know how to prepare it properly; "beating the dog to death releases blood into the meat".


The initiative is backed by "China National Produce & Animal By-Products Import & Export Corporation" in the hopes that it will improve perceptions of Chinese exports, which were tarnished somewhat by recent shipments of lead tainted toys, lethal dog food and poisonous baby formula, not to mention "Happy Time Beaten Dog Meat In A Can", or as we call them in this country, "Vienna Sausages".

Bad Moon On The Rise

Well, the Farmer's Almanac has confirmed it: the full moon at the end of this month will also be in perigee, giving credence to George Noory's (host of "Coast to Coast", the radio show that is to the Air Waves what "Weekly World News" was to print) prediction that Southern California will endure an earthquake of extraordinary magnitude.

The sea lions left San Francisco just after Christmas and went north to Oregon prior to the quake off Eureka on January 9th. I wonder if the cockroaches are leaving Los Angeles?

Madness In Great Ones Must Not Unwatched Go.

But what about the not-so-great? Who watches out for us?

What do you do when a casual friend and co-worker is no longer on polite speaking terms with the voices in her head?

Last Thursday night, a very NICE lady I work with, lost an argument with herself (or someone in there) and was heard to say, in a most harsh tone of voice, "FUCK YOU! LEAVE ME ALONE!", to no one in particular, as no one else was in her immediate working area.

Everybody talks to themselves once in a while (you do, don't you? Don't you!?!). But damn, when it's so crowded you have to yell to be heard in your own head, something needs to be done.

Anyway, she went home at lunch time and didn't return Thursday night, or come in Friday. Didn't return calls to her home, but did call in to work Friday afternoon, however no one tells the help anything. Don't know if she was fired or what. Guess we'll find out today.

Another causality on the Highway to Hell.

It Just Gets Funnier And Funnier

"This world is a comedy to those that think, a tragedy to those that feel", said Horace Walpole, 4th Earl of Orford; man of letters, defender of Richard III, owner of his own printing press, father of the Gothic Romance Novel (without which we might not have the "Twilight" series) and cousin of Lord Nelson (without whom we definitely would not have "Master and Commander" starring the lovely Russell Crowe ).

What then do we have that is so funny? We have a new Senator from Massachusetts. Scott Brown, former Cosmo Centerfold. And I gotta admit, that man looked damn good naked.
http://www.bartcop.com/

But is that a reason to elect him to the Senate?

So this is what it has come to. Centerfolds and swimsuit models fronting for the corporations that run our country. "If that's all there is... let's break out the booze and have a ball. If that's all... there is".

Through A Glass,

and darkly, the age old strife I see, where I fought in many guises, many names, but always me.

Name the author, win a prize. Just kidding. I have nothing to give but my deepest admiration.

Stranger Than Fiction!

This is a test. The following are three actual headlines from Yahoo Headline News. Is one of these things not like the others, or are they all brutally true facts in a cold, uncaring universe?

1) Labor Angry Over Obama-Backed Insurance Tax.

B) Sex Robot Focuses On Appealing To The Mind.

#) Sarah Palin Takes Fox News Commentator Job.

The answer is, "YES"!

In all three cases, someone or something is going to get screwed; in the first, it will be workers trying to afford health care, in the second, it will be poor defenceless robots, and in the third, clustering-mind-fucks for anyone naive enough to watch that supreme insult to the intelligence, Fox "News".

I wonder if Fox has considered approaching the talking sex Robot about a commentator job? Maybe she'll be Sarah's running mate in 2012! Now that's a dream ticket we can get behind!

Stand Up And Take A Stand, America!

I've had enough! I'm mad as hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore! I'm running for President! Vote for me, friends, and see what you get! Exclamation points!?! Ya, sure, you bet!!!

I have officially launched my campaign!

Vote for me here, before it's too late!

http://www.u4prez.com/ProfileView.aspx?UserID=6230

Reaching A Consensus With The Voices In My Head

has never been easier! I started off 2010 by viewing "Oliver Stone's JFK" for the first time, and what an experience that was, what with the slow motion and zoom features on my DVD player!

Now I understand why my Fourth Grade Teacher was so upset. We were only little kids, and angry that Felix the Cat was preempted for a funeral we'd already seen six times. To think, I had to wait for Jerry Ford (who was a prominent member of the Warren Commission, by the way) to pardon Nixon before I lost all faith in our government.

Speaking of our government, "Feds Probe Obama Effigy In Jimmy Carter's Hometown". Don't get me wrong, I do not hold out hope of Mr. Obama being our saviour, but this is just poor form, hanging a black doll labeled with our president's name, and bound to lead to no good.

Straight from no good to Helsinki, where a train crashed into a Holiday Inn conference room. Yes. A train. Crashed into a hotel. Remember when nobody expected planes to hit big towers in the sky? Where, I wonder, was the CIA when THIS happened? Fortunately, the room was unoccupied at the time. Perhaps it was only a test run.

Last in my litany of paranoid ponderings, but by no means least, a man with fiery underwear has provided what may be the death blow to the Fourth Amendment. Does anyone remember the Fourth Amendment? Anyone? Let's see hands! "The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized."

Thank you, Johnny.

All bets are off when a guy, whose own FATHER tried to have him ARRESTED, who had an EXPIRED VISA, who should have set off EVERY FRIGGING RED FLAG IN THE WORLD, is ALLOWED on a plane while wearing the ultimate Victoria's Secret, thus giving our keepers an undeniable justification to suspend our most basic right to privacy. And it ain't gonna stop at the airport. Someday we'll all find ourselves submitting to a full body scan just to buy a corn dog at the Seven Eleven.

And now, I need a nap. Oh, and Happy Twelfth Night.