The Mother Of All Headlines

"Giant Mystery Blob Discovered Near Dawn Of Time". Japanese astronomer Masumi Ouchi, working at the Carnegie Institution in Pasadena (NOT to be confused with the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena), has discovered the most massive object ever observed in the "early universe", larger even than Rush Limbaugh's ego and ass COMBINED! A newly formed primordial blob, which just goes to show that everything old IS new again!

The gigantic gas cloud (for the last time, no, it's NOT Rush) was spotted from 12.9 billion light years away, and could be an example of the earliest stages of galaxy formation. Says Ouchi, "It's kind of record breaking".

The blob was named Himiko, after an ancient Japanese queen with a "murky past", who was also apparently a huge blob.

The find was eloquently summed up by Ouchi; "Even for astronomers, we don't understand". Enough said.

On the home front, the news we've waited 33 years to hear...SWINE FLU OUTBREAK!!! That's right kids, the pandemic of swine flu promised to us by the Ford Administration has FINALLY arrived after a mere three decades of breathless anticipation. Maybe we can also Whip Inflation Now. In any event, the culling has begun.

Lastly, on a sad note, the great Bea Arthur has passed from this world. A grim reminder of our own mortality, or yet another indication of impending end times? You make the call.