Are We There Yet?

Wow, time is going by so fast. Seems like only yesterday I was a scabby kneed nipper attending Ralph Waldo Emerson Elementary School, kicking ass at kick ball, and slapping the leather tether balls hard around the big pole. It's terrible to have peaked so young. I haven't felt really competent at anything since I won a ribbon for being the last survivor in the circle at an after school Dodge Ball tournament. Now I'm a criminal, passing as eligible for the Senior Special at IHOP, when in fact, I have over a year to go before legally qualifying. And why not? If you look this bad, something good should come of it.

The thought of toughing out another winter fills me with despair. Sweet Jesus, I just don't want to. Perhaps if there was something I could look forward to. Something to live for. Something like the promise of a, oh, I don't know, maybe a... Beer Bike! That's how I want to die! A massive coronary while peddling around on a Ten Seater Beer Bike! I saw one on google yesterday and it was beautiful. A bar on wheels with pedals under every stool! And the perfect answer to the warning "Don't drink and drive, you might spill your beer"; recessed cup holders in the bar. Add Karaoke and you have the perfect commute. Only problem is they're in Amsterdam. And they say this is the greatest country in the world. Yeah, right.