They're coming right for us!

Well, it's that time of the month. I'm bloated and crampin' and ready for rantin'! Oh, I just gotta blog.

I have to admit to being a little disappointed that Armageddon hasn't started yet. Actually, I feel a little silly, after all my predictions. Here we are, still in one piece. Boy do I have egg on my face. However...speaking of egg: I read in the paper last night that the storm troopers may be coming for my chickens soon! It seems that so-called "free-range" chickens are now public enemy #1, as they are known to associate with strange migratory birds (no doubt sneaking into our country from France) and will therefore be the catalyst for world destruction via the dreaded "Bird Flu". I refuse to worry about the Bird Flu. Communism, Killer Bees, and Swine Flu have seniority. Bird Flu will just have to wait it's turn.

Naturally, factory flocks owned by large corporations will not be affected. Only privately owned, humanely treated free range birds will bring about the destruction of the human race, and must be eradicated. Eventually, Corporal Capon of the Foul Detection Squad will discover who is harboring the forbidden feathered ones. Lurking in the dark, listening in the early morning hours for the sounds of clucking, eager to pounce on unpapered poultry, and solve once and for all the "Free-Range Problem".

My chickens are not just "things" that beget eggs for me to eat. They are also loud, savage, eat a great deal, and shit all over the place. They are a symbol of all that's good and pure and AMERICAN! And let me tell you one thing, buddy! You can have my chickens when you pry them from my cold, dead, fingers!!