Whenever I'm Feeling Down...

I whistle a happy tune, suck up a lotta beer, and visit Pravda on line (motto: The truth hurts, so wear it!). Since the death of that respected and well loved publication "The Weekly World News", Pravda is the only solace left in a world gone mad, and a much more reliable source of hard news than, say, FOX. But you knew that.

Today was no exception. I feel better already, and the six pack is only half gone. This just in...

Lice Reign In People's Hair
The Disinfection Research Institute (don't you wish you worked for them?) has detected an alarming increase of head lice infestation throughout the nation of Russia. The cause has been traced to school children, and sharing babushkas with the homeless. Preventative measures are recommended, such as developing (naturally) a louse vaccine, which leads nicely to...

Moscow Police Prevent Massive Invasion of Alien Leeches.
A Medicinal Leech Empire was destroyed, saving untold lives from the horrors of Sixteenth century medical practices, when a company that sold leeches on-line was raided, resulting in the rescue of thousands of unfortunate leeches grown in inhumane conditions.

Imagine if you can, four thousand leeches, crawling everywhere, on floors, up walls, across ceilings. One employee reported being ATTACKED by a leech, locked in a death battle between the leech and his shin. The horror, the horror.

The owner claimed he sold good, clean leaches, that some of his customers were royalty even (there's the argument against monarchies) but they shut him down anyway. Heroes, or fascist defenders of Big Pharmaceutical's monopoly of the health industry? You decide!

Man Eats Mother. Says He Dislikes Her Fatty Meat.
So this loser fresh outta prison asks mom for beer money, beats her to death with a brick when she refuses, then drags the body onto the balcony, where in Russia nothing ever defrosts. He then spends her pension on booze, and a week later gets kind of hungry. What the hell, meat is meat, and he starts in on her drumsticks.

Relatives wondering where mom is called the police who found the remains, or in this case the left-overs, and took the young man into custody. After a psychiatric exam the epicure was ruled SANE, which doesn't say a lot for Russian standards of sanity, or cuisine.

While he was charged with murder, he was NOT charged with cannibalism, due to the ruling of the court that if you eat your mother out of hunger only, it is NOT cannibalism, which in Russia is apparently some kind of recreational sport.

That logic could make planning Holiday get togethers so much easier in these times of economic depression. Instead of a turkey this thanksgiving, you could try stuffing one of your more succulent family members. Or maybe just stick with beer.

Bon Appetite, indeed!