Ve have vays off maykink you take your shots

Proof positive that Amerika is the land of the free! All children must be vaccinated to attend school. No exceptions. What's that you say, you're concerned about mercury used as a preservative, not to mention the link to autism? I told you not to mention that, 'cause it don't fly no mo'. A "Special Court Has Ruled That Vaccines have NO LINK TO AUTISM". That ends that debate. Speak no more of it. Bend over and take your shots. WHAT? I don't care if the Supreme Court once ruled that Dred Scott was property! DO WHAT YOU'RE TOLD!

Speaking of possible misuses of the Medical Industry, it appears that we taxpayers may have to cover the cost of that bitches litter, er, I mean "Taxpayers To Cover Octuplet Mom's Costs". Why the hell not. The government is shoveling twenty-five percent of our paychecks at every other money grubbing whore in a suit. Why not this insane incubator too. What the heck do I care. I gotta plenty numbers.

Did you hear the one about the crazy Japanese Scientists who designed a "Living Doll Made Of Human Cancer Cells"? Yeah, cool! Professor Shoji Takeuchi of the "Institute of Industrial Science" (holy shit, are they the guys that created Mewtwo?) harvested liver cancer cells, bonded them with 100,00 capsules of collagen coated with "special cells" that secrete a protein to bind this hideous mess into any adorable little shape they choose! Cancerchu, I choose YOU! If I know my Mary Shelly, this could turn ugly. I just hope Spider Man will be here when we need him.

Oh yeah, the Japanese are also creating stem cells from wisdom teeth. Why a part of the body routinely extracted before you even know they're there? Is it too hard to use an appendix? Do they plan to develop an Uber Man with thirty wisdom teeth that will make dentists wealthy beyond the dreams of Avarice?

Last and oh so least, "Scientists Uncover Why Aroma Of Chips Are So Desirable". Oh, those English. While the Japanese preform ghastly acts of "science" that convince me "Parasite Eve" was based on a true story, the English are spending money to find out what "chips" (which everyone else knows as "Freedom Fries") smell like. Anyway, a Leeds University study found that chips smell like a combination of; butterscotch, coco, onion, cheese and iron board. No, I don't know what the hell is wrong with these people. But there's more. The study goes on to say that: 4 in 10 people say chips taste better at the seaside. 3/4 say chips should be eaten with a fork. 1 in 5 admit to have eaten them in bed. Chips, that is. I copied those ratios verbatim. It's all very scientific. I have to lie down now. Maybe eat some chips.

PEANUTS, to you!

Where will it all end? Well, we finally got the news we've all been waiting for...

"First Dog in Oregon Infected With Salmonella"

It seems "Levi", a 3 year old "mixed breed", and one of four doggies in the family, exhibited the symptoms of salmonella; vomiting and bloody diarrhea. The culprit? Happy Tails dogie biscuits, made, of course, with ingredients from the American Peanut Corporation.

Here's what I don't understand. A dog is an animal, as are we all. But dogs are yoga masters, capable of licking their own butt holes with gusto for prolonged periods of time . They eat anything they find laying on the ground, and are famous for burying skeletal remains, only to exhume them and spend hours chewing on them. Bones covered with rotted flesh. Their own feces. Oh, and let's not forget dogs who like to clean out litter boxes. How the hell does a dog even notice when he has salmonella? My little terrier just caught a mouse. He probably would have eaten it if I hadn't taken it from him. So pardon me if I don't panic. The tainted peanut products are reputed to have been on the market since 2007. I happen to have a jar of peanut butter almost that old. I think I'll go make a sandwich and see what happens.

I Think I Need New Glasses

So I go to yahooey news and I see this headline...
"Bill Gates Playfully Flees Swarm Of Mosquitoes", and I get this delightful mental image of Bill giggling as he runs naked through the jungle, engulfed by blood sucking insects. Ah, that was lovely. Then I click on it, and see the enlarged headline...
"Bill Gates Playfully Frees Swarm Of Mosquitoes". Oh well. The story? Bill is champion of third world country labor sources and decries their cost-inefficient exposure to malaria which results in the loss of man-hours and depleted profits. I mean, he feels really sorry for them, what with them getting sick and all! So Bill is giving this speech to these rich type guys, and bemoaning the fact that "more money is put into baldness than into malaria". He informs them that malaria is spread by mosquitoes, and there is no reason that only POOR people should be infected, and here he opens up a jar of non-whoop-ass (by which I mean non-malaria carrying mosquitoes)! Wow. That was a classic example of jerking off. If only he'd been on a crusade to raise awareness of AIDS transmission. Now THAT would be FUNNY! "Bill Gates Drops His Pants For AIDS!"

Six More Weeks of Futility

Groundhog day has come and gone, and boy, did I see MY shadow! It was HUGE! But that's OK, this is a good time to store up fat. I read that some plastic surgeon somewhere makes his own bio fuel out of his liposuction patients' leftovers, so I could someday become a rich untapped source of energy and single handedly ween our great nation of its dependence on foreign oil! America; the fat, the proud, the future source of unleaded regular!

Speaking of America, did you know that torture is all that has kept this nation safe from terrorist attacks for the last eight years?

Cheney Warns of New Attacks!
Our great late Vice President announced that protecting the country's security is a "tough, mean, dirty, nasty business. These are evil people. And we're not going to win this fight by turning the other cheek" Go fuck yourself, Jesus! Wait, he is talking about the "terrorists", isn't he? Because I had that opinion of the Bush administration. Cheney then went on to warn that there would no doubt be an attack on a major city with biological or nuclear weapons. I'm not surprised. I've been waiting for Dick Cheney to attack Portland with a dirty bomb for the last seven years. Dick also predicted that 10 to 12% of the detainees released from GITMO went back into "the business of being terrorists", mainly for the dental plan.

Wait! I'm having a VISION! According to the Mayan Calendar the world will end in 2012. That is the year Sara Palin and Joe the plumber will move into the White House. Now I AM looking forward to Cheney's Nuke!