Time Flies...

...when you're living in unspeakable agony! Yes, it has been over a week since my last post. Yes, promises were made. Then broken. But so am I. Oh, nobody wants to hear of my suffering? Tough Shit! I'll keep it short. Suffice to say, some bizarre malady is working it's way through my ill-kept body, culminating in a trail of hard, itchy lumps, ON MY HEAD, which shrink after a few days, leaving painful scabby patches to stand mute witness to my Job-like afflictions. MY GOD, THE PAIN!!! First from my left hip, down to the knee, then suddenly shooting up to below the right ear, then up the back of the head, onto the forehead...hard itchy lumps! Now around the right eye! ARRGH, MY EYE! As my witty co-worker quipped, I look like the victim of a bad do-it-yourself botox job. Just for that, I'm going to be eating a LOT more Super Garlic Softgels! SEE HOW FUNNY MY BREATH IS, SMART ASS, HAHAHAHAH!

Anyway, enough about me. Tonight's topic is "Fairies", per special request by "Anonymous".
This is pretty exciting for me, as never before in the long, unknown history of this blog has anyone requested anything in the way of anything, so I'm gonna give it all I got, even though everything I've got left is covered in salve and soaked in gin.

OK, the faerie folk. Oh man. Tell the truth, I've never given any thought whatsoever to 'em. Except for Tinker Bell. Jesus, what a bitch. But I guess one can understand where she's coming from, being in love with a guy hundreds of times her size. Even wrapped in electrical tape, she would certainly explode. Gotta be frustrating. Oh yeah, and when I was ten years old, one night I was convinced there was a witch crouched between the wall and our open bedroom door, and even though I had to go to the bathroom REAL BAD, I stayed in bed ALL NIGHT, until I passed out from uric acid poisoning or something. In the morning, I discovered it was my sister's bathrobe. To this day, I have an abiding fear of women's sleepwear, and a recurring bladder infection.

Wow, now that we're on the subject, I just remembered this abandoned "haunted" house behind the apartment building I lived in, that all the other kids went over and vandalized on a regular basis. They made fun of me, 'cause I wouldn't go with them, no doubt because I knew my mother would beat the living shit out of me if I did and she found out about it. But somehow, the peer pressure got transformed into the feeling that I had a ghost following me. Yeah, a ghost. All the time. Even in the bathroom. It couldn't have helped that my mother told me her dead brother was always watching over me from heaven. Even in the bathroom? THEY SEE EVERYTHING IN HEAVEN! Oh, the horrible things we tell children.

Well, it gnawed away at me 'till I could stand it no more. I had to get that ghost off my back, so one day after school the time finally came to shit or get off the pot. I made my way alone to the forbidden "haunted house" and forced myself to go in though the broken door. And I remember looking around and feeling disappointed. All it was, was a big mess. Broken, wasted crap. And not one friggin' ghost that wasn't of my own manufacture.

That's when the newspaper became scarier than the movies.

Life Is Pain!

So sayeth the Buddha. No, wait. Geena Davis said that in "The Long Kiss Goodnight". God, what a great movie that was. And it has the best movie tag line of all time: "Die screaming, motherfucker!" My all time favorite Christmas movie, next to "Batman Returns". Wait, what was I on about? Oh yeah, "life is suffering", that was it.

Yes, suffering. I've been in a lot of pain lately. Don't know if it's sciatica, gout, or evil spirits, but it starts in the left hip, shoots down to the knee, and makes me think seriously about leaping in front of a log truck. But no. Never been one to take the coward's way out. Besides, I couldn't move that fast right now. So, what do you do when you have no medical insurance, hate doctors and can't take any pill that comes with the warning "do not take if you consume three or more alcoholic beverages daily"?

Well, they say laughter is the best medicine, but I'm in some serious pain here, and besides, if that's really true, how come I never heard of anyone laughing off a case of the clap? I need some REAL HELP, even if it's only a placebo! Where to turn!?!

GIN SOAKED RAISINS!

Oh, hell yeah!

I was reluctant to try them at first, having never tasted gin, and I've NEVER liked raisins. They always remind me of a joke Alan Alda made on M*A*S*H; "I had a raisin on my cookie, but it flew away". Yech. Such ugly, withered things! Leathery and dead, looking more like something sneezed out of one's nostril after a long hard day in the mines than a tasty fruit snack. But what the hell...desperate times...oh, the pain, the pain.

So, I go the the local "Company Store" (in Oregon, the hard stuff is only sold in select places, not in Grocery stores like in California. Seriously, can you believe that shit?) and gets me some cheap gin to pour over the golden raisins from the bulk section of Sherm's. Put 'em in a jar, pour in the fun and wait for the magic! You're supposed to wait A WHOLE WEEK for the raisins to soak up the gin in an open container, I guess so they're non-alcoholic or some crap like that, but screw that! Give 'em a day and those sad little wrinkled things become plump, delicious blobs of joy! Oh man, who knew those nasty little boogers could be so great? The "people's pharmacy" website says to eat nine raisins a day, but I says if nine is good, ninety is better! Also, the left- over gin is pretty good too.

Next time...we examine faeries. No seriously. I'm gonna google 'em right now.

Great Day In The Morning!

Six months it has been since the strength I have had to try to be funny and post! Nothing has seemed too awfully amusing lately, and my mind has continued to deteriorate at an alarming rate, but some sweet and loving soul has revived my will to live by leaving such a lovely anonymous comment that I want to buy the world a coke and keep it company until the apocalypse takes us away to that still and quiet place populated by teletubbies and their strangely placid bunny friends. And don't think I don't know what they do with that sentient vacuum cleaner! Oh my god, I can't wait! But I digress.

As god is my witness, I will post every week! Also, tomorrow I'm going to try the "gin soaked raisin" remedy for my swollen and monstrously misshapen leg, so THAT will give me something to write about! The human adventure continues!