The Last Banana

Uncaring Chimp, your table is ready! I'm R.E.Tard, and I'll be your waiter tonight. Our daily special is the "Pointless Rambling Platter", served with a huge Waste of Time, and a generous dollop of Stupidity, all completely meatless for those who prefer to vegetate. Bon appetite!

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Location: Roseburg, Oregon, United States

I've outlived John Lennon over twenty years now, and I'm still a fucking waste of life. Oh well. Maybe the radiation from Fukushima will make me into an X Man!

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

The Possibility Of Total Mental And Physical Collapse

is now very real. I haven't blogged for a while as my two followers may (or may not) have noticed. The reason is; I became addicted. No, not to heroin or facebook, but something similar. U4Prez.com., which I suspect is some kind of CIA run social experiment. I say this, not just because I am paranoid, but because it is a microcosm of weirdness.

The site is predominantly Republican in nature, naturally, as the most aggressive and dominate creatures in the animal kingdom seem drawn to that end of the spectrum. I do not judge. I merely report.

At first, it seemed a harmless enough substitute to fill the void left by the loss of Yahoo chat. Oh, I tried to get my used laptop to install the program several times, but to no avail. My god, how I miss the frivolity and carefree times spent as the chimp in the Buddhist chat rooms. But all that was lost to me with the death of the dear departed desk top.

So lonely was I when the children left. So bereft of companionship. The need, so great. Then somehow, I can't remember how, I stumbled upon U4prez.com. I tried to reconnect. I needed an audience. Oh, how I longed to make someone laugh.

I tried to keep it light. I tried to amuse. Total rejection.

Then it got worse. I actually created another persona, just to keep the dream alive, and was able to engage in discourse as two distinct individuals without anyone making a connection. Now I don't know who I am! A huge liberal lizard, or a wounded nerd longing for love. Weep for me.

Friday, March 05, 2010

The World Will Little Note Nor Long Remember...

any goddamn thing at all, apparently! But this time, they've gone too far.

The news has reached us here at "Menopause Manor" that there is afoot a treasonous plot to remove the portrait of Ulysses Simpson Grant from the $50 bill and replace him with...oh it's too horrible...Ronald Reagan!

Patrick T. McHenry (Ass kisser-NC) is of the opinion that History is too boring, and "every generation needs its own heroes", and therefore proposes to place Reagan on the Fifty so he can trickle down nickles and dimes upon the rest of us.

This outrage is too vulgar to even contemplate sober, so excuse me while I imbibe copiously.

There, that's better. Where was I? Ah yes, the rape of American History.

OK, so the battle for the Fifty is on. Let's compare qualifications and judge who is the more worthy.

Grant: Commanding General of the Army of the Potomac.
Reagan: Commanded by General Electric to give speeches on Free-Market Fundamentalism.

Grant: West Point.
Reagan: Home-study Army Extension Course.

Grant: Fought in two wars.
Reagan: Nearsightedness restricted service to Motion Picture Unit.

Grant: Twice brevetted for bravery in combat.
Reagan: Made 400 training films!

Grant: Accepted Lee's surrender at Appomattox.
Reagan: Provided FBI with names of communist sympathizers within the movie industry.

Grant: Saved the Union.
Reagan: Busted the Air Traffic Controller's Union.

Grant: Bitterly opposed the Mexican War, regarded it as unjust and designed to capture land open to slavery.
Reagan: Invaded Granada to keep the world safe for the Contras.

Grant: Died slowly of throat cancer while destitute.
Reagan: Warned that Medicare would mean the end of freedom in America.

Grant: Not religious.
Reagan: Convinced God choose him to rule.

Grant: Administration seen as emblematic of Republican corruption.
Reagan: 1986 World Court found USA guilty of war crimes against Nicaragua.

Grant: Married once, devoted to wife and children.
Reagan: Married twice, had two daughters and adopted a son with first actress wife who divorced him due to his over-involvement with screen actor's guild, son becomes ballerina.

Clearly, Mr. Grant has earned his place on our devalued currency. If they MUST further canonize Ronald Reagan, then let them slap his 8 X 10 on something more fitting, like a trillion dollar bill, as an homage to his legacy of monumental deficits.

Thursday, March 04, 2010

Life Is Like A Fairy Tale

But not a cute one, with Scottish Ogres and gingerbread men , although god knows we have our share of talking jackasses. More like a vicious German story by the Brothers Grimm, where the enchanted horse gets his head nailed over a bridge.

I myself had a magical mirror moment just this morning when I saw glaring back at me "So-White and the Seven Rolls". 54 and more white hair than brown now. And when did I get so bloated and haggard? Because, really, deep down inside, I still feel like I'm ten years old, even though it's been a while since I ran around playing horsey. Why do I look like my driver's licence photo? If it's the beer, well, then there's nothing to be done about it. But I suspect it's caused by reading the news...

63 die in Indian temple stampede for free clothes and utensils.

Starving panda found eating meat and bone matter from Chinese farmer's pig sty.

"Atom Smasher" restarts.

So many school shootings, so many earthquakes.

Recall of Girl Scout Cookies?

That's enough. Gotta go work on my bloat.