The Last Banana

Uncaring Chimp, your table is ready! I'm R.E.Tard, and I'll be your waiter tonight. Our daily special is the "Pointless Rambling Platter", served with a huge Waste of Time, and a generous dollop of Stupidity, all completely meatless for those who prefer to vegetate. Bon appetite!

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Location: Roseburg, Oregon, United States

I've outlived John Lennon over twenty years now, and I'm still a fucking waste of life. Oh well. Maybe the radiation from Fukushima will make me into an X Man!

Monday, January 31, 2005

The Last Banana

The Last Banana
My rotten kid informs me that blogging is an act of extreme ego. My god, she's right. And yet, for some reason I do not want to examine, I have decided to indulge in this guilty pleasure. Yes, I now join the ranks of the pathetic and deluded. Could my lame ramblings ever qualify as a contribution to anything? It is doubtful. And yet, I WANNA! If nothing else, just to exercise my dimming mind.
I work in a book warehouse, processing books for libraries, and in the course of a day many fine tomes cross my table top. Also a lot of not so fine ones and some that, forgive me, I would like to burn. So I thought as a public service ( like anyone will ever see this!) I could amuse myself with an occasional list of "Books That Should Be Read".
Now please understand, I myself have NOT read these books. However I HAVE read the dust jackets (when the supervisor isn't looking) and you really can pick up a lot of information from that! And beleive me, when you're as bored as I am, you read a lot of dust jackets.
Today's picks are "Never Shake Hands With a War Criminal" by Barry Crimmins, Hardback ( or as we call 'em in the old warehouse, retail, for some reason) $21.95. I had never heard of this guy before, but I don't get out much, and have had no TV reception for a couple of years. Apparently he is a political comedy writer, who has written for Dennis Miller, but we'll forgive him. I want to read this book so much I may buy it, as I can get it wholesale. Perk of the job. I give it four "Furtive Glances When the Boss Ain't Looking" out of five.
Our second and last pick of the day is "The Mummy at the Dining Room Table". I forgot to write down the author. Shit. Anyway, it's $14.95 in Quality, which is how we refer to soft back books that are not paperbacks, 'cause they cost more. This book is a study of some of the more interesting nut cases of some shrink who's name I didn't catch. I may buy this one too, as it may give me some insight into my own demented loved ones, and looks like an entertaining read in any event. I gave this one three "fg's", but only because it didn't have jokes at the end of each chapter like the first one.
Well, that wraps up our show for tonight. Tune in next time for "Don't Burn It Yet, I'm Not Done Reading It!"

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

The Last Banana

The Last Banana
The sadness. The paper would not print my blog address. Now how shall posterity find me? I rant in the darkness like a two-bit candle, dripping wax down the wall and lowering the property values. What does that mean? I am no Earnest Hemmingway. Nor am I Weird Al, howsoever much I wish I was. Maybe I really wish I was Gore Vidal. In any event, I yam what I yam, all due respect to Popeye, and even though I may not amount to a hill of beans, I am one with the universe, beanless though it may be. I need a drink.

Monday, January 03, 2005

Descending from the trees and heading for the void.

The time has come for the least evolved of us to at last step forward and be heard. I now break my self-imposed exile and take banana in hand to speak for my kind. Newt Gingrich has a new book out. Bill O'Reilly runs free. The hate mongers have roused the rabble to a fever pitch, and gentle leaf eaters now cower and fear for the future.
Having been loath to draw attention in the past, it is difficult now to stand erect and create a target of myself, but it seems the time has come for all good apes to come to the aid of their country. I am determined not to be a "Good German", but a good mammal, a good particle of the life stream, and face the scorn of those who would be "superior". Not since Jr. High School have I felt so vulnerable! But I WILL use the rest room, and I will prevail!
The local paper, it seems to me, is a tool of those who would strip reason from the higher life forms, and encourage the thoughtless rants of those who would be tools of oppression. Despite my reluctance to be drawn back into the vortex of pointless nothingness, I must respond. Out of ego? No! Goaded on by "hope for the future"? Don't make me laugh! Prodded by sheer boredom? Anything to pass the time!
So, to fill the empty hours we must endure until at last the flesh may slough into a protein rich eternal soup, I write.
Saturday, I wrote a letter to the Editor. It was too long. It was not printed. Here it is.
Ever since childhood I have loved a good scare; monster movies, Halloween, haunted houses. Being much older now, and inured to such whimsey, I must turn to other sources. To whip up some real fear and loathing, I just open the local paper to the public forum. Case in point, final issue of 2004. Five letters are printed, and while this may only be my paranoia kicking in, they all read to me, a tax paying member of the silent majority, as divisive, inflammatory, prejudicial rants.
The first letter addresses the beside and much maligned statue of Hebe. The author suggests forgetting about her and erecting a statue of a man. Mild Anti-feminism? Oh well. Boys will be boys.
Second letter, another plea to end abortion on the grounds that christians are better than everyone else, 'cause they " ended slavery", at least in this country. I believe it is still a cottage industry in other parts of the world. This letter also compliments letter number four, which asserts that the founding fathers were christian, omitting the fact that most of them held slaves. Anti-Choice, Anti-Non Christian, and Anti-Research? Well, they don't teach History in the public schools anymore.
Letter number three seems to be written by someone of Indian descent who has assimilated into the white mans' culture so completely that he now has nothing but contempt for people who try to retain anything of their past, especially if they own a casino or live on a reservation. Anti-Mind-Your-Own-Business, Uncle Tonto; he who does not remember history is doomed to repeat it.
Ah, letter number four. Can you spell F-A-S-C-I-S-T? I quote: "Non-Christians should move to another nation." This one gave me some insight into how it must have felt to be a German Jew in 1937. Anyway, why bother? I'm sure the U.S. will get around to invading them all eventually. You gotta admit, this one is slightly Anti-Tolerance, and maybe even a tad Anti-WWJD, yes?
Finally, number five exhorts us to stop punishing vets for the sins of the presidents. This confused me, as I have never shown any disrespect to a vet of any war, police action, or conflict, nor do I plan to, regardless of how many innocents were killed, murdered or tortured in the many screw-ups and outright atrocities never committed by any army, especially not ours. Ever. Seriously.
In summation, I would just like to thank the editor of the News Review for wrapping up the year with a well balanced cross-section of opinions and representing our community with an entire forum of relentless negativity and intolerance. I'm ready to start the New Year!

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