Descending from the trees and heading for the void.

The time has come for the least evolved of us to at last step forward and be heard. I now break my self-imposed exile and take banana in hand to speak for my kind. Newt Gingrich has a new book out. Bill O'Reilly runs free. The hate mongers have roused the rabble to a fever pitch, and gentle leaf eaters now cower and fear for the future.
Having been loath to draw attention in the past, it is difficult now to stand erect and create a target of myself, but it seems the time has come for all good apes to come to the aid of their country. I am determined not to be a "Good German", but a good mammal, a good particle of the life stream, and face the scorn of those who would be "superior". Not since Jr. High School have I felt so vulnerable! But I WILL use the rest room, and I will prevail!
The local paper, it seems to me, is a tool of those who would strip reason from the higher life forms, and encourage the thoughtless rants of those who would be tools of oppression. Despite my reluctance to be drawn back into the vortex of pointless nothingness, I must respond. Out of ego? No! Goaded on by "hope for the future"? Don't make me laugh! Prodded by sheer boredom? Anything to pass the time!
So, to fill the empty hours we must endure until at last the flesh may slough into a protein rich eternal soup, I write.
Saturday, I wrote a letter to the Editor. It was too long. It was not printed. Here it is.
Ever since childhood I have loved a good scare; monster movies, Halloween, haunted houses. Being much older now, and inured to such whimsey, I must turn to other sources. To whip up some real fear and loathing, I just open the local paper to the public forum. Case in point, final issue of 2004. Five letters are printed, and while this may only be my paranoia kicking in, they all read to me, a tax paying member of the silent majority, as divisive, inflammatory, prejudicial rants.
The first letter addresses the beside and much maligned statue of Hebe. The author suggests forgetting about her and erecting a statue of a man. Mild Anti-feminism? Oh well. Boys will be boys.
Second letter, another plea to end abortion on the grounds that christians are better than everyone else, 'cause they " ended slavery", at least in this country. I believe it is still a cottage industry in other parts of the world. This letter also compliments letter number four, which asserts that the founding fathers were christian, omitting the fact that most of them held slaves. Anti-Choice, Anti-Non Christian, and Anti-Research? Well, they don't teach History in the public schools anymore.
Letter number three seems to be written by someone of Indian descent who has assimilated into the white mans' culture so completely that he now has nothing but contempt for people who try to retain anything of their past, especially if they own a casino or live on a reservation. Anti-Mind-Your-Own-Business, Uncle Tonto; he who does not remember history is doomed to repeat it.
Ah, letter number four. Can you spell F-A-S-C-I-S-T? I quote: "Non-Christians should move to another nation." This one gave me some insight into how it must have felt to be a German Jew in 1937. Anyway, why bother? I'm sure the U.S. will get around to invading them all eventually. You gotta admit, this one is slightly Anti-Tolerance, and maybe even a tad Anti-WWJD, yes?
Finally, number five exhorts us to stop punishing vets for the sins of the presidents. This confused me, as I have never shown any disrespect to a vet of any war, police action, or conflict, nor do I plan to, regardless of how many innocents were killed, murdered or tortured in the many screw-ups and outright atrocities never committed by any army, especially not ours. Ever. Seriously.
In summation, I would just like to thank the editor of the News Review for wrapping up the year with a well balanced cross-section of opinions and representing our community with an entire forum of relentless negativity and intolerance. I'm ready to start the New Year!

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