The Face Of Depression

That's what stares back at me in the bathroom mirror. It wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the double chins of despair and the jowls of anguish. But that's all part of life in these great United States. It's also the reason I don't wear my glasses unless I'm driving or watching movies.

Oh boy. It is SO HARD to keep one's spirits up lately. In the old days, I had only to suck up enough suds and everything was just SO damn funny. I'm much, much older now, and it takes a LOT more beer to wash away the horrors of reality, let alone enable one to see the HUMOR of it, and damn it, who has the TIME to ingest THAT MUCH ALCOHOL!?! Not to mention the inconvenience of constant detours to the toilet and the incalculable expense of reams of T.P.?

Bottom line, it just isn't fun anymore. Even the Internet. You go online, and everything is MONITORED. I used to get my most excellent inspiration from Yahoo News Of The Weird. Now I get, "What TRENDING news stories are your retarded friends reading? " WTF!?!

Yes, I made the ultimate mistake of succumbing to ego: establishing a facebook page with my real identity. Once you've given up the fun of being fictional on the off chance that the boy who said he loved you in the fourth grade might be looking for you RIGHT NOW, you can't go home again. Everything you look at is recorded. Your every move entered into a marketing database. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

FACEBOOK IS BIG BROTHER

Yeah, it's my own fault. I played right into their hands. Oh well. At the rate we're fucking up everything, it shouldn't be a problem for too much longer anyway. In the meantime, let's see what laughs can be had at www.thesmokinggun.com

Over Seven Billion Served

Captain Kirk said we hadn't run out of history just yet. Of course, he was a man of the cosmos and, cosmically speaking, there is a lot of time left. Also, he is a fictional character, which is a great advantage these days. But for us non-fictional terrestrial types, things are starting to look pretty bleak.

Seven billion consumers piled up on this poor blue ball! And how do we spend our day? We grind up the forests, piss crude oil into our waters, and excrete vast islands of floating waste onto the seas, destroying the very source of what keeps us alive:

OXYGEN.

That's right people. Where do you THINK it comes from? China? Not any more! Go take a deep breath in Beijing and see what you get. Like L.A. circa 1967. Yes, the carbon dioxide/oxygen ratio is getting badly out balance. Don't believe me? Look around. See any SMART people? Sure, religion, TV and a purposely degraded educational system had something to do with it, but don't underestimate the effects of oxygen deprivation. Where we gonna get a lung-full when we've killed off the the trees and plankton? Good god, it's the "Spaceballs" scenario coming true!

Help us Mel Brooks. You're our only hope.