Whenever I'm Feeling Down...

I whistle a happy tune, suck up a lotta beer, and visit Pravda on line (motto: The truth hurts, so wear it!). Since the death of that respected and well loved publication "The Weekly World News", Pravda is the only solace left in a world gone mad, and a much more reliable source of hard news than, say, FOX. But you knew that.

Today was no exception. I feel better already, and the six pack is only half gone. This just in...

Lice Reign In People's Hair
The Disinfection Research Institute (don't you wish you worked for them?) has detected an alarming increase of head lice infestation throughout the nation of Russia. The cause has been traced to school children, and sharing babushkas with the homeless. Preventative measures are recommended, such as developing (naturally) a louse vaccine, which leads nicely to...

Moscow Police Prevent Massive Invasion of Alien Leeches.
A Medicinal Leech Empire was destroyed, saving untold lives from the horrors of Sixteenth century medical practices, when a company that sold leeches on-line was raided, resulting in the rescue of thousands of unfortunate leeches grown in inhumane conditions.

Imagine if you can, four thousand leeches, crawling everywhere, on floors, up walls, across ceilings. One employee reported being ATTACKED by a leech, locked in a death battle between the leech and his shin. The horror, the horror.

The owner claimed he sold good, clean leaches, that some of his customers were royalty even (there's the argument against monarchies) but they shut him down anyway. Heroes, or fascist defenders of Big Pharmaceutical's monopoly of the health industry? You decide!

Man Eats Mother. Says He Dislikes Her Fatty Meat.
So this loser fresh outta prison asks mom for beer money, beats her to death with a brick when she refuses, then drags the body onto the balcony, where in Russia nothing ever defrosts. He then spends her pension on booze, and a week later gets kind of hungry. What the hell, meat is meat, and he starts in on her drumsticks.

Relatives wondering where mom is called the police who found the remains, or in this case the left-overs, and took the young man into custody. After a psychiatric exam the epicure was ruled SANE, which doesn't say a lot for Russian standards of sanity, or cuisine.

While he was charged with murder, he was NOT charged with cannibalism, due to the ruling of the court that if you eat your mother out of hunger only, it is NOT cannibalism, which in Russia is apparently some kind of recreational sport.

That logic could make planning Holiday get togethers so much easier in these times of economic depression. Instead of a turkey this thanksgiving, you could try stuffing one of your more succulent family members. Or maybe just stick with beer.

Bon Appetite, indeed!

Remember The Maine?

Well, do ya, punk? No, of course not. Nobody remembers the Alamo either. Nor Tippy Canoe. And least of all Tylor. Or was it Tyler? Who cares. Sad but true. December 7th still has a notation on the calendar, but no longer lives in infamy judging by all the Hondas and Toyotas on the road. But let me tell you, friend, you'd damn well better remember 9-11, or you're an anti-american muslim lover and god hep ya then.

It's been eight LONG years, and some of our adrenal glands are getting a little fatigued. Just getting harder and harder to get worked into a fear crazed frenzy. But wait! Maybe we can get some help from a loser in Texas.

So this pudgy, balding, middle-aged, never married or had children (Hmmm), whose parents are both dead, and, oh yeah, was born and raised in VIRGINIA guy, joins the Army straight out of High School. The Army puts him through College and he becomes a couch jockey. All day long he listens to horribly damaged GIs tell ghastly tales of what happens in war zones. That is his job. He is a Shrink. All day long, dealing with deeply disturbed people. Then the unthinkable happens. He gets his orders. Afghanistan, here I come! He tries to resign his commission, renege on his contract. No fucking way is the Army letting him off the hook. What's a good muslim to do? Exactly what many good patriotic americans before him have done...go bat shit insane! No, no, I mean become a terrorist, naturally! Go on a killing spree and give FOX "news" a convenient whipping boy to rouse the rabble with some righteous anti-muslim propaganda.

Well, I'd really like to get all frothy at the mouth and maybe attack someone for practicing another religion than christianinanity, but frankly, I'm just too tired. Start the holy war without me.

This Just In

Fort Hood, Texas.

Seven dead, twenty wounded in DUEL attacks at two separate locations on the base grounds. Somebody desperate to NOT return to Afghanistan, or the sequel to "Dr. Strangelove"? They probably have blowy up type things lying around at places like that. Could this be a diversion while someone spirits something away, or just some military personnel going over the edge in a synchronized melt down? Either way, this sure ain't good, and things may be about to get worse. Ho ho ho, happy hollowdays.

ADDENDUM: It finally hit me TWO WEEKS later why the Fifth of November seemed so important! Guy Fawks Day has been totally RUINED by this asshole, but it does sort of fit in with musing on the MK Ultra theories floating around. THEY go out of their way to make me look paranoid!