I Read The News Today, Oh Boy...
Actually, I read the news two days ago, but still, what can excite the imagination more than an explosion at the SLIM JIM FACTORY? Yes, people have actually DIED so that our national addiction to Slim Jim meat snacks can be satisfied. How does that make you feel, you greasy, fat, selfish wretch? Hungry, naturally. The question has yet to be answered, was the explosion caused by ammonia gasses emitted by volatile meat by-products transmuting into an unnatural state at the sprawling ConAgra Foods Inc complex, or was this an act of unknown agents of DOMESTIC TERRORISM, and if that be the case, who can guarantee the safety of our FRITO SUPPLY!?
The fine faceless drones at ConAgra, which has swallowed up such trusted household names as Cheif Boyardee, Hunt's Tomato Sauce, ACT II popcorn and the ever kosher Hebrew National Hot Dogs (somewhere a Rabbi is weeping), report that a "threat" had been called in prior to the explosion. How convenient. I suspect it is a cover up. They were probably using bat guano as a flavor enhancer, and you know how unstable that stuff is.
Swine Flu Update! This just in: Hey, we had forgoten all about it. So to reignite our fears, the WHO has issued a proclamation declaring the first "pandemic" in like 41 years or something. This "does not mean the severity of the situation has increased or that people are getting seriously sick at higher numbers". Or probably that it has even caused an unusual number of deaths, unless you ascribe to the presumption that death is some kind of a preventable malady, because you know when you read the obituaries, nobody ever dies of old age. It's always something treatable, oh if they'd only gone to the doctor, they might have lived to be three hundred!
Lastly, the sweet sting of irony! FDA warns consumers (that's us) to immediately discontinue use and dispose of all hand sanitizer products manufactured by Clarcon Biological Chemistry Laboratory, Inc. of Roy, Utah. Why? Well, the name alone might be enough to put off the intuitive, but for the rest of us, it's enough to say that the FDA detected HIGH LEVELS OF DISEASE CAUSING BACTERIA!
Now you might ask, and rightly so, how can a "hand sanitizer" contain high levels of disease causing bacteria? I mean, how the fuck can that even be possible? Well, the answer to that is, "It's all bullshit, man". That's right. Everything is a lie. What you see on TV, what you read in the paper, everything you know is wrong. Anyway, here is a list of the products for cleaner living that may kill you:
Citrushield Lotion (protects your skin like a diseased fruit)
Dermasentials DermaBarrier (like having a second layer of diseased skin)
Dermasentials by Clarcon Antimicrobial Hand Sanitizer (what is the sound of one hand rotting?)
Iron Fist Barrier Hand Treatment (sounds like something that might infect Jackie Chan)
Skin Shield Restaurant (you want disease with that?)
Skin Shield Industrial (now with industrial strength bacteria)
Skin Shield Beauty Salon Lotion (Bubos for the beautiful)
Total Skin Care Beauty (until it all sloughs off)
Total Skin Care Work (keep your skin on until you clock out)
and last but not made up at all, well maybe a little...
Clarcon Oh So Soft Hands Of Death. Enough said.
One can only hope there is no mix up between the Clarcon Biological Weapons Applied Sciences Division (if perchance they have one) and the Douche Department ( which would probably be a really BIG department). Bottom line, maybe we should just learn to embrace some filth and build up our immune systems to protect us from 21st century modern hygiene products. Don't forget to wash your hands.
posted by uncaring _chimp | 1:38 AM
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