The Mother Of All Headlines

"Giant Mystery Blob Discovered Near Dawn Of Time". Japanese astronomer Masumi Ouchi, working at the Carnegie Institution in Pasadena (NOT to be confused with the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena), has discovered the most massive object ever observed in the "early universe", larger even than Rush Limbaugh's ego and ass COMBINED! A newly formed primordial blob, which just goes to show that everything old IS new again!

The gigantic gas cloud (for the last time, no, it's NOT Rush) was spotted from 12.9 billion light years away, and could be an example of the earliest stages of galaxy formation. Says Ouchi, "It's kind of record breaking".

The blob was named Himiko, after an ancient Japanese queen with a "murky past", who was also apparently a huge blob.

The find was eloquently summed up by Ouchi; "Even for astronomers, we don't understand". Enough said.

On the home front, the news we've waited 33 years to hear...SWINE FLU OUTBREAK!!! That's right kids, the pandemic of swine flu promised to us by the Ford Administration has FINALLY arrived after a mere three decades of breathless anticipation. Maybe we can also Whip Inflation Now. In any event, the culling has begun.

Lastly, on a sad note, the great Bea Arthur has passed from this world. A grim reminder of our own mortality, or yet another indication of impending end times? You make the call.

It's Gonna Get Ugly Before It Gets Worse

That's what my co-worker said last night after a grueling three and a half day work week, with the prospect of a two day week to follow. Mandatory plant shut down Monday and Tuesday for the second time in two months, and probably not the last time this month. Most of us don't bother to come in on Fridays, since there's usually no work to do. Things are getting worrisome. Might be time to explore new avenues of employment.

I wonder if the good folks at "Rodenator Pro" are hiring? This is a wonderful business that provides "Professional Squirrel Detonation".

Just savor that one for a minute.

Yes, these are professional squirrel assassins who were hired by the city of Spokane Washington to eradicate an estimated 100 to 150 little nut eaters. Their method of choice? Pump propane and oxygen into squirrel tunnels, then send an electric spark that causes an explosion. The shock waves "kill the squirrels and collapse their tunnels - but in a humane way".

Yeah, I can see that.

Park officials warn they will be blasting all week, as timing is crucial. Must detonate the prey before they can reproduce! Thus, the company's motto: "Their population is exploding, now so will they!". Hopefully, there are no gas leaks in the vicinity, or there could be more than squirrels flying.

This method is also reputed to be effective against the saber-toothed-gopher, a cunning and resourceful opponent! The Neanderthals tried to eradicate them, and look what happened. When was the last time you saw a Neanderthal?

Those in the Spokane area might want to reschedule any plans to picnic this weekend. The screams of the mangled survivors trapped underground might put one off one's bologna.

Sometimes I Think They Just Make This Shit Up

I read that Oregon is having its first ever "Tattoo Convention" with a T.V. star and everything! They got some guy from a show about tattoos. A television show. About tattoos. Auhhhh. I don't get to watch television. Thank you Jesus.

Could this be true? Sad but true, like devolution?

But what about the politician in Poland who is critical of the local zoo for acquiring a gay elephant? How does this man know the elephant is gay? Did he buy sex from it in an airport men's room? Reading nonsense like this just hurts. Like gay sex with an elephant.

Why god? Why would this story be true?

Thief steals 83 year old woman's 66 year old bike. Poor old lady had this bike since 1943! She fought the Nazis on it! She fought the Commies on it! And just like Pee Wee Herman, she LOVED her bike, but when she left it unattended and unlocked outside the retirement home, some lowlife took it.

Well, to be honest, I really don't give a shit if this story is true.

Oh yes, Yahoo news item: "Chinese Bra Maker Holding Up in Bad Economy". Started business in "bustling" commercial district. Refuses to keep "abreast" of modern technology, and despite the learning "curve", is determined to "carry " on!

True or not, I want the author beaten savagely.

On a related note, sales of men's underpants is an accurate diagnostic tool for gauging the state of the economy. As you know, underpants are a replenishment item, and when there is a large drop (oh no, now I'm doing it!) in underpants sales, it is because men are experiencing dire monetary distress. Or possibly women. What man buys his own underpants? Only bachelor/orphans. Besides, for the most part, only women care what state a man's underpants are in, on account of having to look at the damn things every time she does the laundry. So if she doesn't replace them, times are bad.

True dat.

One last little gem to brighten a gloomy day: Republicans stage "Teabagging" rallies. Republicans blithely referring to themselves as teabaggers. Yes.

Well, who didn't know that? Maybe just the republicans. They are pretty clueless.

Another Day, Another Day Without A Dollar

Holy crap, the goal for unpaid days off at my place of under-employment this month is...374! It has climbed steadily every month and now totals over a year's worth of days. Fortunately, I am accustomed to poverty, so my life style is barley impacted. Also, Coors is on sale!

Speaking of financial ruin, I'm so old I remember when the G20 was the G7, which turned out to not be so lucky, so they make it the G8. You remember the G8 don't you? Oh, you must remember the G8; USA, UK, Canada, Japan, Russia, France, the Professor and Mary Ann. They meet every year to determine the financial fate of the world. They added more members because they got sick of Italy always serving spaghetti when it was its turn to host the group. Anyway, they are now 20 members strong, having invited the likes of Australia, Tanzania and Ethiopia into the elite circle of deciders. Whatever. Everything will be OK, once they figure out how to de-regulate the re-regulating of the de-regulated banking business. You betcha!

One thing is certain, this whole banking mess has given me a lot more respect for the the common people of Great Brittan. On April 1st, costumed protesters, Anarchists, Anti-Capitalists, and Environmentalists demonstrated for "Financial Fools Day" with signs that said "Eat the Bankers" and "O% interest in Others". But for sheer balls you can't beat this: Protesters broke into the heavily guarded, bailed-out Bank of Scotland and spray painted it with the word "THIEVES". They tried to storm the Bank of England, but were beaten back by baton-wielding police.

Can you see anybody in the United States of Apathy doing anything that cool? Oh no, Americans just sit on their big fat asses and yell at the TV. And that's while watching "American Idol". OK, to be fair, England is only about half the size of Oregon, and you can drive the length of it in a day, so it's probably a lot easier to drum up a crowd for a protest. But still, you go girls!

In any event, thanks to the power of SCIENCE it may all be a moot point soon. Yes, at long last, "Scientists Create 'Robot Scientists' That Can Think For Themselves". Now I must ask, how fucking retarded is it to purposely create something that will replace not just every human function on the goddamn planet, but also... YOU?!?

Yes, the new kids on the block can "reason, formulate theories and discover scientific knowledge on their own". Well then, Mr. Hot-Shit Scientist, what exactly will we need YOU for then? Oh, yeah, and what happens when Mr. Roboto-Scientist meets the Pentagon's new Hunter-Killer-Bots. NOMAD MUST STERILIZE, that's what will happen. Not only did these fools not see "Robo-Cop", they missed all three seasons of "Star Trek" too. Well, they were lucky to miss the third season, but they really SHOULD have watched the first two.

I don't know why I keep reading the news. Actually, I think people who don't keep up with the news have a better chance of being happy. Knowing the truth will crush your soul. I was only 19 when Ford pardoned Nixon, and I learned that our leaders were greedy thieves who are in fact above the law, and feel free to steal and kill with impunity, without fear of ever being brought to justice. I haven't been a teenager since.