No more heroes anymore

Television has long been labeled an evil influence on all who are exposed. Yet, TV is just a tool, and tools are merely used. Being something of a tool myself, I want to defend the old "boob tube", for it helped in some small way to make me what I am today.

I really have no idea what the youth of the twenty-first century is watching. Due to an act of Thor, via a lightening strike to the dish many years ago, I have been spared the spectacle of Current Television Programming. All I really miss is the Daily Show. Oh, and Cartoon Network. Maybe the Food Channel. OK, maybe I miss it a lot. But I have never seen Reality Television, "The Apprentice", Political Ads to re-elect the President, or suffered long exposure to Fox News, and for that I am grateful. Truly grateful.

What I did see on television was wonderful, inspiring stuff. Thoughtful, intelligent stuff. Stuff that made you feel heroes existed and told it like it was. Like The Man from U.N.C.L.E., Star Trek, and the Outer Limits. Yes, the Outer Limits. What a dose of reality that was. Something to fully prepare you for adulthood. And what episode had the greatest impact on my young mind? The one where David McCallum was recruited by a scientist to test drive his evolution machine. Wow. That set the standard for how I would view just about everything for the rest of my life:

You take one intelligent, bitter, working-class boy, add 10 thousand years of evolution, and presto, you get a six fingered, giant headed, pissed off guy who can kill with his mind! Does that rock, or what! And eloquent? "Your ignorance makes me ill and angry". That says it all. He was the best. Then of course, his stupid would-be girlfriend screws everything up and de-evolves him into a drooling moron who no doubt has a Bush/Cheney bumper sticker on the back of his SUV.

What do today's children have? Hell if I know. I don't talk to the little shits.

They're coming right for us!

Well, it's that time of the month. I'm bloated and crampin' and ready for rantin'! Oh, I just gotta blog.

I have to admit to being a little disappointed that Armageddon hasn't started yet. Actually, I feel a little silly, after all my predictions. Here we are, still in one piece. Boy do I have egg on my face. However...speaking of egg: I read in the paper last night that the storm troopers may be coming for my chickens soon! It seems that so-called "free-range" chickens are now public enemy #1, as they are known to associate with strange migratory birds (no doubt sneaking into our country from France) and will therefore be the catalyst for world destruction via the dreaded "Bird Flu". I refuse to worry about the Bird Flu. Communism, Killer Bees, and Swine Flu have seniority. Bird Flu will just have to wait it's turn.

Naturally, factory flocks owned by large corporations will not be affected. Only privately owned, humanely treated free range birds will bring about the destruction of the human race, and must be eradicated. Eventually, Corporal Capon of the Foul Detection Squad will discover who is harboring the forbidden feathered ones. Lurking in the dark, listening in the early morning hours for the sounds of clucking, eager to pounce on unpapered poultry, and solve once and for all the "Free-Range Problem".

My chickens are not just "things" that beget eggs for me to eat. They are also loud, savage, eat a great deal, and shit all over the place. They are a symbol of all that's good and pure and AMERICAN! And let me tell you one thing, buddy! You can have my chickens when you pry them from my cold, dead, fingers!!